and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dicks are not precious.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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