onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
