Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she pinky promised me she was 18
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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