and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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