Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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