i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
