ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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