I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
