i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
did i just pee glitter
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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