you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
