there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
