Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
