I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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