"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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