He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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