you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
