I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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