"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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