The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
