I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
