Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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