I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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