im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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