I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We need to get me chipped asap
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
