respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
