It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
