bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't put those talents on a resume
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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