i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
