Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
