All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
