Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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