I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my liver is dry heaving
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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