mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
