God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
