I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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