how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
