All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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