i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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