I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
