Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
