I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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