Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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