cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
