Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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