Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
cat food counts as protein by the way
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
