Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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