I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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