My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
