my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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