is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
